Moving Beyond Threats by Dorothy Foltz-Gray

Why It Happens

Sometimes an evil alien invades my body, pushing me to commit regrettable acts. I know this because last week I howled at my son Matthew: "If you don't keep the cedar shavings off the floor, the hamsters will have to go!" This broke his heart. It did nothing to clean up the cedar shavings.

Like most parents, when I'm feeling powerless or exasperated, I sometimes pepper my two sons with threats. I picture Matthew's room teeming with hamsters and sawdust, and my frustration erupts in cliches: Clean it up or...or...or else! There's got to be a better way.

There is. Although threats may be one of the most frequently used weapons in your discipline arsenal, they're hardly an effective or loving way to spur action or teach responsibility. Yet from time to time, we all fall back on threats, often absurd ones that leave us feeling foolish and the problem unresolved.

Getting out of the threat rut isn't easy. There are some creative alternatives, though. When you find yourself tempted to tyrannize, these six strategies may help turn threatening moments into nurturing ones. What to do Give choices. The biggest problem with threats is that they tatter self-esteem and inspire fear or rebellion. "Threats are a message of distrust," says Adele Faber, author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. "Your child hears, 'You can't be trusted to control yourself, so I'm going to control you.'"

Giving choices, on the other hand, puts your child in charge, preventing fruitless and stressful stalemates. Instead of saying, "If you hit me once more, I'll take those drumsticks away," say, "Hey, I don't like having my head hit. So would you rather drum on the steps or on the floor?" Participating in this type of decision-making teaches your 2-year-old to think for himself and to assume responsibility for his actions.

Follow through. Another drawback of using threats is that they're often too extreme or inconvenient and therefore impossible to execute. "If you can't follow through," says St. Louis family therapist Evonne Weinhaus, coauthor of Stop Struggling With Your Child, "you're going to appear spineless, and your kid will trample you."

Let's say that night after night your child can't tear himself away from his building blocks to join you for dinner, despite repeated requests. You tell him, "If you don't come to the table right now, I'm going to throw the blocks away!" Chances are he won't take you seriously, and the nightly struggle will continue unabated. Instead, change your behavior. Calmly say: "It's time to put your blocks away now." Then help him do it.

Reverse a threat. Threats have a way of sneaking up on you. Often the words are already out of your mouth before you realize how ridiculous they sound. When this happens, there's nothing wrong with rewinding the tape and trying again, as Katie Ripple of Madison, Wis., discovered in the grocery store one day. Grabbing a kiddy cart the store kept on hand, her son, Tom, zoomed down the aisles until his mother had no choice but to anchor him in her cart. "Tom was so angry that he climbed out and went screaming through the store," Ripple says. When she finally caught him, she felt so frustrated that she threatened to make him leave and sit in the car alone.

But after a moment, Ripple thought better of her threat. "Tom," she said, "I made a mistake. If you can't follow my rules in the store, I better take you home where someone can watch you while I shop, and I'll give you a chance to try again soon." Ripple's response — to replace a hollow threat with a solution that gave Tom a second chance —was a sensible approach. After all, every parent blows it once in a while. The important thing is to go back and talk about what happened. Use it as a learning opportunity between you and your child.

Set clear expectations. Grocery trips are, of course, a classic stress-builder for parents, and threats fill the aisles like soup cans. To avoid this scenario, prepare your child before you head to the store. Tell him how you expect him to behave. Explain, for instance, that you'd like him to sit in the cart while you shop. When you arrive at the store, ask him what you'd like him to do. When he answers, "Sit in the cart," congratulate him on his good memory. This will make him feel like a success and give the shopping trip a positive spin from the get-go.

Of course, it doesn't always work that way. You get to the store, and not only does your shopping companion refuse to sit in the cart, but he also throws a full-fledged tantrum. What then? On the way there, when you tell your child how you expect him to behave, also explain what'll happen if he doesn't cooperate. Tell him, "If you sit in the cart, you can pick out the kind of cereal you'd like. If you don't get into the cart, we'll have to wait until you do, and that'll be very boring." If your child still refuses to cooperate, stand firm and invoke the consequence you've talked about. You might say, "Okay, then we can't move from this spot." If you stay calm and confident, sooner or later he'll want to get on with things.

Keep cool, think positive. Staying calm and confident might sound like a tall order, but it can make a big difference. One reason threats often fail to control your child is that they whip up emotions rather than defuse them. Think about it: Chances are the friction between you only gets worse when you use threats to discipline your 2-year-old. When he won't do something you ask him to, you start yelling, or threaten to withdraw a privilege, like playing with his favorite wagon. Then, much of the time, you fail to follow through. Has anything been gained?

Your child is more apt to learn how to behave if you give him constant, positive reinforcement. So consider using a reward system to help him overcome a major challenge. If your child insists on sleeping in your bed, for instance, put a star on a special calendar for each night that he sleeps in his own. When he's racked up a few stars, reward him with a small toy or a special outing. Within a few weeks, he should be snoozing solo.

Reconsider the situation. As we all know, sometimes the best-laid plans fail miserably — and in that case, maybe it's your expectation, not your child's behavior, that's out of line. You may need to examine what you're asking of him. If he's been cooped up all day and really needs a chance to unwind, for instance, it's not a good idea to take him to a restaurant where he has to sit still.

So maybe a mother who finds herself in a sea of hamster sawdust needs to rethink the menagerie instead of making threats. Is it possible for my son Matthew to take care of his cat, his rabbit, his turtle, and his eight hamsters without feeling overwhelmed? Well, once we both talked about it, Matthew and I agreed that maybe a pared-down household would be more fun than a grouchy Mama shouting, "Or else!"

And if I do threaten now and then, I try to cut myself some slack — after all, every parent goes over the top occasionally. It isn't one or two threats but your everyday approach to your child that matters most. If you're always on a tirade, always critical, you're wasting chances to have gratifying interactions with him. You're faced with many challenges as a parent, but if you handle them gracefully, the majority of your interactions with your child will be positive ones.